One of these down-right dangerous, odd, anomalies is opposite-gender friendships. Many reading this may be uncomfortable with this topic, or have doubts as to if this is possible. Others of you may agree that its an anomaly, and not normal. And still others may breathe a sigh of relief. I have hesitated months to publish this, and I believe there is wisdom and wrestling yet to be done.
I grew up spending my free time usually with two brothers and many of their friends. I watched my older brother and his friends play basketball for hours. I chopped go-cart trails out of bush with my younger brother and his/our guy friends. I cut open coconuts, ran through trails, and killed snakes with those guy-friends.
And then I moved during high school to a place where boys and girls interacted differently. In this new place, guys and girls hesitated, and often became part of groups that flirted with each other, or avoided each other. To simply talk seemed foreign.
Trying to fit in, I adopted and took on many of these cultural values and beliefs. For various reasons I chose to err on the side of the avoiding male interactions. It was safe.
There were walls I didn't see as I put myself in a self-labeled box "don't interact with me." I, nor others can be ourselves inside of a boxed category. Walls strangle emotions, pain and joy, fear and confidence, tenderness and anger inside. Maybe, if lucky, they seep out of a corner. The fullness of a person is stunted. Who they are ceases to exist when we play God and assign values and roles to people.
Where there are roles (or zones), there is no relationship. In placing myself in a category, I could "be me" (aka the category) without being hurt or vulnerable -after all, I was being the "me" I chose to be, not who God created me to be.
This fear spurred by categories, impacted my idea of dating or being friend-zoned, which perpetuated itself.
There is a deep innate longing in each person to belong, to be loved, to be known. Being known is far more deep than being liked, flirted with, or simply informational. We desire to be known by both women and men. To be known goes down into the soul. But if our relationships with the opposite gender are portioned into two categories, what happens to this desire? It is squashed down, hidden, and creates fear. When friend-zoned, will others see me as valuable? What if they don't? Yet what if I don't want to be someone's special someone, but desire to still know them and be known? What happens to me? What are they thinking? What box are they putting me in? Can I be known without dating, but not be the second-class girl who hears about other girls all the time, or is "one of the guys?" So we as people acknowledge these zones, avoid these zones, long to be in the one we are not. We fear what others are thinking, what others will do, how others view us. We live in a state of anxiety and fear, giving the zones more and more strength and power to box us in, hide ourselves, and let our real selves slip through the cracks, as does our freedoms.
I never foresaw the damage this dichotomy would bring.
This dichotomy slowly ate away my security, spunk, and soul. And I imagine for many other people out there, men and women alike. If we were not the pretty one, the smart one, the one guys "went" for, then what were we? Many will say "it will be okay;" "God knows who will marry whom and when." How many times I have been told to "wait right here, and God will bring him when he/I/God is ready."?
Waiting is a needed skill. But waiting in the same place without seeking, is not the answer. God calls all to follow Him. No single-life-laziness or irresponsibility.
Fast forward eight years. Enter wise counsel from God, older (sometimes younger?!) women and men, and counseling. Prayers to learn to trust and to understand healthy relationships poured out year after year. And each year, ended with some changes, some unexpected growth slowly answering these prayers.
Fast forward eight years. Enter wise counsel from God, older (sometimes younger?!) women and men, and counseling. Prayers to learn to trust and to understand healthy relationships poured out year after year. And each year, ended with some changes, some unexpected growth slowly answering these prayers.
This year is no different. This year I am surrounded by the most unique group of Godly men, who all live together. They started out as practically strangers. I began spending time with different ones for different reasons, and began being invited to events by others. Studying, thrifting, movies, bonfires, dancing, and talking. I took the chance of being me...with (most) of my emotional self... and they accepted it without question. I am so fully loved and cherished by these men, and they are cherished in return. And the beautiful thing is, is that the love felt is not cheap. It is rich. And it cannot be measured.
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| Their love is shared with others too... :) |
I know there are good, Godly men in the world, because I know some of them. I know there are men aware of themselves, because I've heard them share themselves and their ponderings. I know there are men who are aware of their affect, and their effect on others since I've seen these men sanding rough areas in their lives over time in order to live fully authentic, purpose-filled lives. Not only do I know of these types of men, but I've experienced them and cherish them.
Why has my heart healed?
Because these men, and their friends around them try to live out the gospel of true love. The word itself is so misused in our world today. Being cherished or loved does not have a scale. If God is love, and we have his love in us (1 John 4:7-8), then there is no dichotomy in our love. Yes, human love is not perfect, but there is no scale. Love flows from the heart. The choice to cherish someone is rooted in acceptance; there is no gradient.
As people accept each other, each person is freed if they take and own the acceptance. Gifts do nothing, until they are received, opened, and owned by the receiver. They no longer need to fit someone else's box in order to "earn" love and acceptance. They are not forced into a behavior box of being flirty, or friend-zoned. Instead, there is freedom to allow nuances out, joys out, fears out, and their true self out without being judged, rejected, or losing "love/cherish-points" on a scale.
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| Oh the ridiculousness we have together! |
Relationships are dynamic. These men around me are changing. I've let the days go by writing this and they have deepened, grown, and become more of their true selves. I have changed. Therefore our relationships are innately changed, because we are changed. We will continue to change. We grow. I must allow them to move farther away or closer in their own freedom. They allow me to spend lots of time with them or little. I do not have to fit a box of friend-zoned or date-able. Neither do they. People are like flowers. If we ever try to pick them and put them in a box, they look great at first, but slowly fade, losing their vibrancy, life-source, and impact, though their shell will remain identifiable. But if instead we stop and get to know them as they are, give care as we have to offer, and in like manner receive from them, a glorious garden of memories and aromas, pictures and colors, and depths and strong roots will flood the world around us all.
We are each _____ (insert our first names), cherished and valued by each other. I am not the sister. I am not the friend. I am not the cook. I am Laura, cherished. He is not the gardener. He is not the artist. He is not the prankster. He is _____, cherished. Are not we all this way? Can you insert your name in there? God loves each of us deeply, compassionately. When people may not see and cherish us, He does. And truly, I wonder, if we reached out and asked others, we might be surprised to find who around us cares.
It is a choice to cherish someone. It is also a choice to let someone cherish us. Either one is a vulnerable choice. And vulnerability, when safe, brings healing. The two genders do typically express their care for others differently. Those I cherish know it through my "Laura-means," and these men show their back in different ways that fit who each of them is. The important truth, is that each communicates in their way, the genuine truth of what they feel.
Christians have a gift of love and cherishing they can give to each other, with no gender disparity. Christian men and women have the opportunity to cherish not only those of their same sex, but just as importantly their gender counterparts.
Let us not limit our God-given friends, relationships, and love because of gender. Let us cherish each person for who God has made them, and the journey He is leading them on. Let us run the race before us that God has set, allowing us to enjoy and know the people, both male and female, He placed in the lanes beside us at this point in time. People themselves do change, and their "running" positions next to us in life may change. Their race may end or take a turn, while God leads ours to another route. We have a choice to cherish them during such a time as this.
Will you choose to cherish and be cherished? What would keep you from it? What helps you give it? accept it? Who could you talk to about this?
Oh my Father, who loves us all,
I hear your whisper, "Cherished," you call.
Help me to trust Your still small voice,
And spread this to others;
This is my choice.
