Weary Rest

Why is my soul so chipped inside? So sad, hurt, and tired?

How come my heart is worn to the core, ready to lash out or cry?

Lord, I work for you, live for you, and try to share your compassion with the world around me.

I look around, and it is they, the world of selfishness, anger, and lust that are full of life.

What I say and do is held in disdain, questioned, and pushed away.

Yet together they drink, laugh, and carouse, enjoying the bonds of friendship.

Like a cliff by the sea, I am being eaten away at the core, not able to hold the waves back.

Little by little consumed by the tide, it weakens, bends, and crumbles.

Oh Lord, How can Your character be built in me when all lifestyles around daily surround and hide your face from my view?

Instead of your face, I see only pain, confusion, and contortions of Your fallen creatures, and know not what to do.

Where can we go for healing? Where can I hide to find care?

In silence, my mind roars.

In community, my soul is alone.

In searching, my heart hides.

In peace, my psyche goes mad.

But I still will praise You. Your honor I will sing.

Community you brought together.

Friends you have provided to be with, to listen.

Family you have given back.

Yourself, you died for all.

Your Spirit lives within me. His touch and presences heals.

Build a guard against the waves, give me strength to keep on standing.

Carve the contour of your heart on my soul though I may not see you inside.

Friendships for eternity you are building, bringing joy, hope and purpose.

Those around me will falter and fall down, longing for what you offer.

You lead my steps when I follow, You take me deep into your heart.

Tenderly you wait for me to come, Gently you open Your embrace.

My soul will rest in God my Saviour, being healed from hurts now raw.

Inward fatigue now bathed in hope,

Displays your unfailing love.

My heart now shaped more like Yours, each dent and bruise and hole,
Ready to offer shelter; Thank You for making me whole.

Hidden Memories

As I packed my goal of one to three boxes a day, I've come across things I knew I had, but forgotten about. Memories flooded back from the last few years, hidden or missed over this time.

I remember buying these 100 Chinese bike-tube patches for less than $2. I've only used 3 so far. I've biked many-a miles from my old apartment (>3000). My bike could tell stories, some of the ending with him getting extra care in our front little grass-patch, as I bandaged him up. But sure as a marine, he leaves no man (or woman) left behind: He's still my trusty transportation! 

I remember when I brought home the first orphan-flowers. Being thrown out at work, I brought them home 2.5 years ago amid snickers from coworkers. Their new home gave them soup-can or plastic-cup pots to stretch their roots into. Later they acquired real "clothes" of terra-cotta pots. Now, they bask in my new window, among other orphan plants, waiting for summer to blossom.

I remember when a Starbucks customer gave me a bag over the counter, saying the scarf was just perfect for me. What that meant, I had no idea until I opened it up on my break. Lo and behold! I pulled it out. And kept pulling it out. And Kept pulling it out! 11 feet later... yes eleven feet later, I found the other end with matching gloves and a hat!



And this scarf has come in hand this winter., I've been toasty warm in these winter years -okay months- of below freezing and negative temperatures with its long, long, long arms encircling me up to 4 times!

I remember when I rolled and stuffed posters into this tube before going on the bike trip to France. I was so certain that after I returned from France, I would be starting a new life teaching in Haiti. I wanted at least a few wall-memories to take with me along with some of my art. And here they are, I never did unroll them after that plan fell through, which turned out for the betterment of all. The pain has softened.



I remember countless nights in the dorm room with Heidi, Andrea, Kara, Allie, and so many others, drinking hot chocolate, tea, or just hot water from this little hot-pot. We learned and gained friends and sisters, character polishing and refining, tears and hugs: precious moments that are graven into my heart and life. And of course, keeping with tradition, our mood or need in that moment decided for which mug of meaning was used (or was offered by the others!). Life is fun and joy-filled, even with broken areas of us. Beauty and encouragement from multiple avenues. Chaos and simplicity, contrasts and strengths, and character amidst stress.




Beautiful blessings pop out everywhere when I take a moment look around. What blessings and memories has he brought to you?

One Year Ago

One year ago last night, my high hopes of  teaching art, PE, and possibly coaching, were utterly and unexpectedly destroyed. I had five precious minutes to process alone, before joining the others to organize, distribute and pack for our month long bike trip, going to bed after 2am.

One year ago this morning I woke up at 4:30 am and at 6am, took off biking with Natalie and Nathaniel. Everything that we'd need for the next 32 days was on our bikes: clothes, camping gear, camp-cooking equipment and dishes, food (which we replenished along the way), first aid, bike repair tools, cameras and much anticipation for what the month would hold!

One year ago this afternoon, we biked until it was 100 degrees at 11am, and took a siesta while the temp soared to 105. At 5pm, it dropped back under 100 degrees and we took off again. Vineyards, orchards, and olive groves lined the way. Rocky, mediterranean hills/mountains rose before and around us. The glory of the world God has made was shouting from the vast display of ever-rising hills and stretched out cultivated land.

One year ago today, I knew I would spend another year in Chicago, internally aching for the loss of the life in Haiti, and also internally rejoicing to continue digging my home-roots into Chicago. Such pain and joy at the same time, about the same thing -it is beyond words. I held it in. But God knew.

One year ago, I did not see the friendships that would deepen as those relationships crossed the 1-year threshold. I've learned that not everyone moves after 1-2 year in the United States. My church has become a dear family to me, as God's given this extra time here. I have real "family" to spend Thanksgivings and Easters and random days with, when a bit over a year ago, they were only names and faces, and nothing more. But God saw them.

One year ago, I didn't know my Monday Sisters. It hadn't been formed. We hadn't bonded. We were not close friends. We did not hold each other accountable. But God knew. And I know He basked in the joy of what He had in store for me and all of us!

One year ago I started on a specific journey to lean on God, the great Provider, Protector, and Healer. And I will be on this journey forever. Learning to lean on Him is not easy. But it is good, as I'm reminded often when I listen to this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehkg7-SVByk

One year ago, I didn't know what it would hold. But God did. And WOW. He has blown my mind. He is good, what He does is good, and when He closes a door, He opens up the gate to something Waaaaay better, since it brings us closer to Him.

The One

Faithful, Honest, Ever True,

Just the Same and Always New;

Joyful, Open, and Secure,

He's the One, his Heart is Pure.

Love and Care are in his Eye,

Lis'ning Ear for Those Who Cry;

Strength and Might are in his Arms,

In his Hands, Fear Dis-Alarms.

Psalm of Praise

All willpower used
But change refused
Condition: less than empty
Dank is my mind
Everything's blind
Failing: my propensity.

Grasping His hand,
He leads toward His land
I follow: my only choice
Joy wells up inside
Kneeling to abide
Listening: for one small voice.

Magnify the Lord, our LORD Redeemer-Provider
Nourishing saved souls, the LORD Almighty, esteem louder.

Outspoken: His sovereignty
Presence: for eternity
Qualities only He possesses.
Respectful: The gentleman
Shepherd: till time will end
Tenderly holds and caresses.

Uplifting: His Essence
Veilings: His lessons
Wisdom He offers the World
EXudes: peace beyond measure
Yokes broken: His treasure
Zealous child at His feet, is curled.

Gains = Losses

God, are losses okay?
Is the pain along with the loss okay too?

I read someone else's blog today. I rarely do actually. But this one was specifically sent to me through email, and it caught my attention: "15 Things I want to Tell My Third Culture Kids." As she wrote her heart to her kids, she showed something few have. She writes to her kids, using memories, pictures, and words of what she sees and knows to be true. She tells them what they need to hear.

She has a gift of seeing the truth of what another person is going through, acknowledging it, and then being open to hearing what they have to say about it. I was caught off guard. How many parents acknowledge that their choices have both positive and negatives for their kids? What parent then wants their kids to see, acknowledge, and comment on how those choices have affected them, both the blessings and the hardships? Not many.

For every person, there are blessings of where we grew up, went to school, the culture whether it be urban, suburban, rural or foreign, jobs we've held, etc. Then there are the challenges of those same things. The gains and the losses all come together. When we gain something, we lose something.




The gains need to be recognized.
The losses need to be recognized.
Acceptance of both brings healing.
Contrasts, create deep beauty.





If we only recognize and admit to the gains, we do not handle life clearly. There is a shadow side that demands attention. If stifled, it will come out in other "acceptable" ways, that are not healthy.

This author sees both the positives and negatives in the lives of her kids. What courage to face truths that are "not nice." And what healing it brings to the child to hear the one caring for them, acknowledging that there is pain in their lives. She sees what they need, a listening, caring, ear, even if it hurts.

I needed to hear those words. We all need to hear those words. Life, and particularly are childhoods have deep positive memories that are unique to each of us. It also contains some deep painful memories. It is okay. Out of losses, our character grows.

God gained a world by Creating it.
God lost a Son to Save it.
God gained a world to Relate with.



(and for those who care, this is somewhat chiastically structured ;o)

Icebergs and Reflection??!!

Recently God has placed the practice of reflection on my heart.

For months, I've been giving reflection small amounts of time, time that I now realize, was enough to simply scrape  the tip of an iceberg. Those amounts of time were enough to scrape real shavings from the tip of the iceberg -they energized me like a snow cone would on a hot summer day. Yet I'm finding more truth. Besides the refreshment - there is so much more to understand, grasp, and explore about it, than merely enjoying a snow cone from scraps of it! This iceberg, is immense. Unsearchable. Deep. Caring. And wants to be known and explored! He is there all the time. He is the perfect gentleman -waiting for me, and all who want to, to spend time to get to know Him.

But I like my merely refreshing snow cones. Why spend the time to search an iceberg? Won't it be barren and lonely in there since no one is with me? Won't I be uncomfortable in the cold of truth? Couldn't I get lost without a guide?

God is the iceberg. Time spent with Him can't be explained. There is no loneliness when with God because He is there, with us, our Comforter. Pain and hurt and hardness in ourselves distort the life-giving glow of His truth. The blue appears cold and hard, instead of radiant from His purity and holiness which warms to the core, those who seek the truth and are set free. And because it is He who encompasses us, He is the One who leads us to His heart, as a Shepherd leads His sheep.

Reflecting. Spending time, the energy to seek out the depths of already known truths and their implications. What a joy! Picking up the ice-pick isn't easy with so many things going through my mind. I've found, developed, and am developing new "muscles" and am a bit sore. Spiritual disciplines are hard -after all, they are "disciplines."

But after digging just a bit, I've decided to give up my hope of an easy life, and make this here Iceberg home.  I don't know where the current is heading yet. But do I know that in the current and coming storms, I'm way more protected now than on any warm beach that would be pummeled and ripped to shreds!